Self-Esteem as Sickness: The Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy Perspective
by William D. Krieger, PhD MSW LCSW ACSW CHt CAP
"Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it's conditional." --Albert Ellis, Ph.D., Psychology Today, February, 2001, page 72, in the interview, "The Prince of Reason"
[REBT] attempts to help humans eliminate all self-ratings and move toward unconditional self-acceptance. --Albert Ellis, The Practice of Rational Emotive Therapy, p. 61
The Problem: Self-Esteem is based on external factors - "I am a good person because…" can too easily become "I am a bad person because…"
The Solution: Get out of the rating business altogether and embrace REBT's concept of Universal Self-Acceptance and Universal Other Acceptance. Self-Acceptance means "I accept myself whether or not I do well" and accepting oneself means reduced anxiety. --excerpt from Albert Ellis interview of 1/8/1986 with Jeffrey Guterman
Learning to rate ourselves and others using externally based factors is part of our indoctrination by our parents, institutions, and experts. This learned ability to judge our self-worth and the worth of others based on external factors becomes a deeply programmed hook for those who would control and manipulate us. We learn this at home, through advertising, and through our systems of education. Some of those who instill us with the sickness of self-esteem (parents, teachers, and coaches) may do so with good intentions. They think they are “building us up” and, unfortunately, do not make the connection that they are also simultaneously teaching us how we can dress ourselves down. Less scrupulous advertisers, religious and political leaders, businesses, and employers, artfully manipulate us (and our self-concept) for their own exploitative ends, often by toying with our fear of disapproval. Of course, as critical thinkers, we must question experts and authority and discern information clearly and rationally for ourselves. As Marshall McLuhan wrote in The Medium is the Massage, p. 93, “The expert is the man who stays put". More to the point, caveat emptor.
Self-worth based upon external factors (and, hence, the approval of others) is reinforced through academic, religious, and social experience. We learn what to tell ourselves about our worth and the worth of others. "Who got the gold star?" "He still uses AOL." "I made honor roll - - I'm smart." "I did poorly on the test -- I'm stupid." "I'm a better person because I believe in Jesus Christ." "Men who kiss men are not normal." "If I'm not rich by 40, I'll be an utter failure." "I'm important because I am a doctor." "Wow, what kind of freak drives one of those cars?" "Look at her shoes, she must be really successful." "He's old guard." "You're not on Facebook?" Social networking provides an ever more brutal arena for social popularity and approval, a phenomenon which Corey Doctorow presciently described with reputation-based currency (he called it “whuffie”) in his 2003 novel Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom. More than ever, “Lack of charisma can be fatal”, (Holzer, 1983).
Sadly, as Jenny Holzer also wrote in 1983, "Sloppy thinking worsens over time." This sloppy thinking further influences an externally based self-concept. Those playing the self-esteem rating game:
We are trained to be our harshest taskmasters and critics when we do not live up to the magical conditions of our idealized self. In his 2009 documentary, The Pervert's Guide to Cinema, Slavoj Žižek, the Slovenian psychoanalyst, philosopher, sociologist, and cultural critic, uses analysis of classic movies to remind us that our Superego is not at all the kindly angel on our shoulder as portrayed in childhood cartoons. In fact, the Superego is often a relentless, sadistic taskmaster; it is a part of our psyche capable of devising maniacal schemes for punishing others and ourselves. Žižek’s analysis likewise reminds us that Freud’s Id was not the little devil on our shoulder of film imagery, pushing us to indulge our basest drives. Rather, the Id is the spoiled child within, ready to throw a tantrum for wants denied. This is why a client in recovery meeting can say, “I need a mirror to practice telling myself positive affirmations. Why is it I don’t need a mirror to tell myself things that make me feel like crap?” To paraphrase a skit in which Lily Tomlin once mused about success, if we are not careful, our integrity will hold us back.
Human beings are fallible. Even those perceived as having successful attributes fail at something. Acceptance of ourselves and humanity on the basis our inherent imperfections and flaws renders our sense of self unchanging rather than basing such acceptance on an ego attribute derived from external factors. Acceptance also means we no longer need to suppress our true selves. Erich Fromm wrote inEscape from Freedom, "Destructiveness is the outcome of unlived life" (p. 182). He described how suppression of our individuality as we seek approval eventually leads to self-destructive tendencies, or to the desire to exercise destructive power over others.
Start getting healthier by avoiding rating yourself at all. Albert Ellis offered this simple solution to the harshness and insecurity that comes from self-rating and rating others: get out of the rating business altogether. If you absolutely must rate something, decide to rate actions. Start by learning to say “It was disappointing that I did not...” instead of “I am stupid because I did not...”
Compassion for ourselves, compassion for others, compassion for our imperfections and the imperfections of others, compassion for the spoiled child within us all, and compassion for our failures is a major component of healing.
Ellis’ concepts of Unconditional Self-Acceptance & Unconditional Other Acceptance are summarized by the following precepts:
References & Recommended Reading/Viewing
Doctorow, C. (2003). Down and Out In The Magic Kingdom. (p. 11) New York: Tom Doherty Associates, LLC.
Ellis, A. (2005). The Myth of Self-esteem: How Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy Can Change Your Life Forever, Amherst, New York: Prometheus Books.
Ellis, A. & Harper, R. A. (1997). A Guide to Rational Living, Chatsworth, California: Melvin Powers Wilshire Book Company.
Fromm, E. (1994). Escape From Freedom (first published 1941), New York: Henry Holt & Company, LLC
Holzer, J. (1983). Truisms and Essays, Nova Scotia: Nova Scotia College of Art and Design.
Horney, K. (1937). The Neurotic Personality of Our Time, New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.
McLuhan, M. & Fiore, Q. (1992). The Medium is the Massage: An Inventory of Effects (originally published 1967), Berkeley, California: Gingko Press, Inc.
Žižek, S. (Writer and Narrator). (2009). The Pervert's Guide to Cinema [Film]. London: Amoeba Film.
by William D. Krieger, PhD MSW LCSW ACSW CHt CAP
"Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it's conditional." --Albert Ellis, Ph.D., Psychology Today, February, 2001, page 72, in the interview, "The Prince of Reason"
[REBT] attempts to help humans eliminate all self-ratings and move toward unconditional self-acceptance. --Albert Ellis, The Practice of Rational Emotive Therapy, p. 61
The Problem: Self-Esteem is based on external factors - "I am a good person because…" can too easily become "I am a bad person because…"
The Solution: Get out of the rating business altogether and embrace REBT's concept of Universal Self-Acceptance and Universal Other Acceptance. Self-Acceptance means "I accept myself whether or not I do well" and accepting oneself means reduced anxiety. --excerpt from Albert Ellis interview of 1/8/1986 with Jeffrey Guterman
Learning to rate ourselves and others using externally based factors is part of our indoctrination by our parents, institutions, and experts. This learned ability to judge our self-worth and the worth of others based on external factors becomes a deeply programmed hook for those who would control and manipulate us. We learn this at home, through advertising, and through our systems of education. Some of those who instill us with the sickness of self-esteem (parents, teachers, and coaches) may do so with good intentions. They think they are “building us up” and, unfortunately, do not make the connection that they are also simultaneously teaching us how we can dress ourselves down. Less scrupulous advertisers, religious and political leaders, businesses, and employers, artfully manipulate us (and our self-concept) for their own exploitative ends, often by toying with our fear of disapproval. Of course, as critical thinkers, we must question experts and authority and discern information clearly and rationally for ourselves. As Marshall McLuhan wrote in The Medium is the Massage, p. 93, “The expert is the man who stays put". More to the point, caveat emptor.
Self-worth based upon external factors (and, hence, the approval of others) is reinforced through academic, religious, and social experience. We learn what to tell ourselves about our worth and the worth of others. "Who got the gold star?" "He still uses AOL." "I made honor roll - - I'm smart." "I did poorly on the test -- I'm stupid." "I'm a better person because I believe in Jesus Christ." "Men who kiss men are not normal." "If I'm not rich by 40, I'll be an utter failure." "I'm important because I am a doctor." "Wow, what kind of freak drives one of those cars?" "Look at her shoes, she must be really successful." "He's old guard." "You're not on Facebook?" Social networking provides an ever more brutal arena for social popularity and approval, a phenomenon which Corey Doctorow presciently described with reputation-based currency (he called it “whuffie”) in his 2003 novel Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom. More than ever, “Lack of charisma can be fatal”, (Holzer, 1983).
Sadly, as Jenny Holzer also wrote in 1983, "Sloppy thinking worsens over time." This sloppy thinking further influences an externally based self-concept. Those playing the self-esteem rating game:
- Confuse themselves with their deeds.
- Corrupt the concept of confidence. Instead of defining confidence as self-efficacy gained through risking failure and building positive experience & knowledge, confidence becomes a vacuous, “vogued” and ungrounded state of being. An externally judged trait (“Just act confident”) replaces the self-aware competency acquired through experience.
- Rate themselves and others based upon external factors and demands created by those who have an agenda (advertisers, corporations, churches, governments, parents, interest groups)
- Tend to judge their worth, and the worth of others, based on appearances, beliefs, and their own schema rather than acceptance and empathy.
We are trained to be our harshest taskmasters and critics when we do not live up to the magical conditions of our idealized self. In his 2009 documentary, The Pervert's Guide to Cinema, Slavoj Žižek, the Slovenian psychoanalyst, philosopher, sociologist, and cultural critic, uses analysis of classic movies to remind us that our Superego is not at all the kindly angel on our shoulder as portrayed in childhood cartoons. In fact, the Superego is often a relentless, sadistic taskmaster; it is a part of our psyche capable of devising maniacal schemes for punishing others and ourselves. Žižek’s analysis likewise reminds us that Freud’s Id was not the little devil on our shoulder of film imagery, pushing us to indulge our basest drives. Rather, the Id is the spoiled child within, ready to throw a tantrum for wants denied. This is why a client in recovery meeting can say, “I need a mirror to practice telling myself positive affirmations. Why is it I don’t need a mirror to tell myself things that make me feel like crap?” To paraphrase a skit in which Lily Tomlin once mused about success, if we are not careful, our integrity will hold us back.
Human beings are fallible. Even those perceived as having successful attributes fail at something. Acceptance of ourselves and humanity on the basis our inherent imperfections and flaws renders our sense of self unchanging rather than basing such acceptance on an ego attribute derived from external factors. Acceptance also means we no longer need to suppress our true selves. Erich Fromm wrote inEscape from Freedom, "Destructiveness is the outcome of unlived life" (p. 182). He described how suppression of our individuality as we seek approval eventually leads to self-destructive tendencies, or to the desire to exercise destructive power over others.
Start getting healthier by avoiding rating yourself at all. Albert Ellis offered this simple solution to the harshness and insecurity that comes from self-rating and rating others: get out of the rating business altogether. If you absolutely must rate something, decide to rate actions. Start by learning to say “It was disappointing that I did not...” instead of “I am stupid because I did not...”
Compassion for ourselves, compassion for others, compassion for our imperfections and the imperfections of others, compassion for the spoiled child within us all, and compassion for our failures is a major component of healing.
Ellis’ concepts of Unconditional Self-Acceptance & Unconditional Other Acceptance are summarized by the following precepts:
- Accept others and ourselves as imperfect human beings.
- We all have an equal righ to exist.
- No one needs approval to survive.
- I need not approve of others.
- Others need not approve of me.
- Actions are successful or unsuccessful.
- A person's self is more than his acts and acts never wholly define a person.
- Accept that we all fail at some things.
- Remember that any concept of "self-esteem" based on external factors is transient.
References & Recommended Reading/Viewing
Doctorow, C. (2003). Down and Out In The Magic Kingdom. (p. 11) New York: Tom Doherty Associates, LLC.
Ellis, A. (2005). The Myth of Self-esteem: How Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy Can Change Your Life Forever, Amherst, New York: Prometheus Books.
Ellis, A. & Harper, R. A. (1997). A Guide to Rational Living, Chatsworth, California: Melvin Powers Wilshire Book Company.
Fromm, E. (1994). Escape From Freedom (first published 1941), New York: Henry Holt & Company, LLC
Holzer, J. (1983). Truisms and Essays, Nova Scotia: Nova Scotia College of Art and Design.
Horney, K. (1937). The Neurotic Personality of Our Time, New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.
McLuhan, M. & Fiore, Q. (1992). The Medium is the Massage: An Inventory of Effects (originally published 1967), Berkeley, California: Gingko Press, Inc.
Žižek, S. (Writer and Narrator). (2009). The Pervert's Guide to Cinema [Film]. London: Amoeba Film.